Friday, February 17, 2012

Dear "People Who Wreck my Nerves"

Let it be said, I'm having a bad week for multiple reasons.. and I am irritable. If that's gonna annoy you, just skip this post. 
My friend over at My Chiquaqua Bites does these post and they are HILARIOUS. ( Click here to read) so I am taking a page from her playbook and gonna get a few things off my chest:

Dear Walgreens Pharmacy Workers,
I know it sucks when customers come to your counter and you have to actually work, and break out of the circle of gossip and your red velvet cake to get my sick boy his medicine. I really hate that you can't get paid to eat your &^%#$ cake, but, if you ever make me stand in line waiting on a prescription that takes 5 minutes to fill and you have had hours but chose to eat cake and gossip instead, not to mention the crackhead ( literally) that is in line with me talking my head off while I wait on this medicine that should have been ready hours ago , I will straight crawl over that counter and JACK YOU UP. and incidentally that annoyed attitude you give when filling my order is unacceptable. 

Dear Idiot who spilled coke all over my LV championship bag, 

While I get that this is a total white girl problem, I am still gonna tell you that it was straight up RUDE that you kicked over your stupid coke in the first place, but when you saw it splash all over the outside and inside of my pretty handbag, you should have immediately leaned down and apologized. watching me cleaning up the sticky mess for 5 minutes and then throwing me a used napkin over my shoulder does NOT help. And while  Im being all rude, let me tell you that those were not your seats and maybe you don't need to sit in the grown up section if you can not act like one. 
Good day to you sir., 
Signed a girl who is serious about her handbags

Dear PayPal, 
 Get bent. I am SOOO irritated that you charged my business checking account TWICE for the same transaction, and then are taking 13 days days to clear up the mess which put me into overdraft without knowledge of the whole thing since I only wrote down one transaction.  Saying stupid things in a nice sing song tone, DOES NOT change what you did or the mess that it caused. Don't you know I am knee deep in runny nose and diapers right now? I don't have time for your crap. I can not WAIT till someone else steps up to the online banking platform and wipes you off the map.

Dear Kris Humphries, 
I know we are not peeps in real life, but I obsessively follow your ex-wife's family on TV so we will skip that little detail and just get straight to it. Dude, no one cares. Take your divorce and get on with it. You should never have married someone you barely knew, and no one buys that whole "she made you look like a jerk" on the show because guess what, you WERE a jerk. All the time. On every episode. I think you have some sort of complex about being in charge and all and that translated on TV as you being super insecure. It was a dumb idea and you had dolla signs in your eyes the whole time. We get it.   Scott Disick should send you a thank you card though because you really improved his image!

Dear Mr. Temporary Post man, 
I say temp. because you are not my regular super stellar postman. You are some rink dink lazy jerk bag who takes his route every now and then.  I am just wondering, what exactly was in your job description if it was not to pick up and deliver mail? Seems fairly simple to me, so i struggle to understand why you are always bringing me someone else's mail and never take MY mail ? Perhaps you should consider a new career field.. .

Dear Germs, 
Get. OUT. of our HOUSE. seriously. I know my boy is one heck of a specimen with his bulldozing ways and unending happiness but he can only handle so much in one week!  Croup, then cough +snot + double ear infection? It is all very unfortunate. I have asked God to remove you and no doubt he will! Good day!


Michelle C. said...

I am dying! These are fabulous. I hope things look up for you. I wish I could hug you, give you a big ole glass of booze and help you jack up the Walgreens worker & the asshat who ruined your LV.

Cheryl E. said...

Oh these are great! Sorry to hear you are having a rough couple of weeks here. I hope the Grizas house starts feeling better ASAP.

Susannah said...

Ha! I love every one of these! I can't wait to see your face on Thursday!

The Jessups said...

First commenter but love this post. I understand the frustration about the mailman. Ours will hold mail for a week and then we get a weeks worth of mail in one day. We didn't get christmas cards till after christmas this year. I often wonder if the post office wants our mail. All your notes were so funny and so true.

Samantha said...

Seriously bless you for the letter to Kris Humphries. It made my day.

Life and a Two Year Old said...

So funny! Love them! Please do these more often!!!

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